The Kegs vs. Tauron vs. Iron-Awe 6 – ****
The Kegs are built by the same team as infamous cutesybot Terror Turtle, and feature a former director of Greenpeace who is a legit whale hunt saboteur. Their robot is made from beer kegs cut in half (which still function as kegs!). Of course I fucking love this robot. Tauron are basically a mechanical version of Mantaur and is driven by a video games tester. Angela makes this sound like the coolest thing ever , but I know someone who is a games tester and he has test those weird bin lorry/public transport simulator games you see for exorbitant prices on Steam, so it’s not all smiles and sunshine, folks. Iron-Awe 6 is so old, it can be seen in the Hampden crowd at the 1971 Scottish League Cup final. They have a three generation gimmick as the team includes a father, son and grandson.
Both of the Kegs’ clusterbots are skelped by the blade of Tauron, strewing their weapons across the arena floor. Iron-Awe 6 has entanglement weapons that are launched all over the place but it’s main flipper doesn’t work at all. Tauron and Iron-Awe battle to a standstill, neither moving as cease is called. It is later revealed that Tauron was not immobilised, having stopped as they thought they’d won, only for the judges to give the win to Iron-Awe 6. Iron-Awe’s gaffer cackles like a Bond villain at the news. As B*Witched once said, c’est la vie.
Concussion vs. Androne 4000 vs. Nuts 2 – ***3/4
Concussion are some lads, one of which has a mohawk. They did OK last year. Androne 4000 is the result of a team bonding exercise in work and is clearly named after Andre 3000 from Outkast. It has the most powerful crushing talon in the competition. Nuts 2 is possibly most famous for taking an absolute pasting from Carbide in season 8 but also for being completely fucking mental. They are cider farmers from Somerset. They have a massive mace-like weapons on chains that they swing round and round, while still being able to drive.
Concussion takes one hit from the mace and it’s wheel is binned. Androne 4000 gets it’s claw into Concussion but cannot pull it back out. Nuts 2 swings wildly at it’s opponents before cease is called. Concussion and Androne’s lack of seperation is counted as an immobilisation as Nuts 2 get their first ever victory in Robot Wars.
The Kegs vs. Concussion – ***
We see a promo from Concussion about how they can be “pretty forceful when they want something”. The head of Concussion reels a story of once driving to a metal supplier and staging a sit-in protest until they completed their order on time. Concussion completely mauls The Kegs, ripping it’s body off from both cluster bots as it now has it’s weapon working.
I’m not giving up on the concept of beer kegs as armour because the actual body of the keg is relatively unscathed, albeit torn asunder from the rest of the robot. I still feel it is a very worthy option, provided you can make it work. That said, if we’re going to down this route, I have an even better suggestion. The most valuable thing my father has ever taught me is how to tamper with electricity meters (y’see, all you need to do is create a wire bypassin… actually, this is a topic for another upcoming article entitled “#RiggingLeccyMetersIsProWrestling”).
However, the second most valuable thing is the effectiveness of gas canisters. As a steaming mess, my dad and his teenage friends tried to blow up a gas canister, only to find that they are double layered, to stop leaks and melted Motorhead fans from trying to blow them up. Ergo, a robot designed out if has canisters would be nigh on impossible to destroy. Look out, Carbide. A new challenger is entering season 11. Oh yeah, this was a great fight by the way.
Tauron vs. Androne 4000 – ****
Like when Americans try to describe World of Sport, the adjective I use for this would be “grunt-and-groan”. Lots of shoving, claw holds and massive spinner shots bursting Androne’s panels. It went to a judges’ decision, with Androne going through. Androne certainly had the better of the control, but Tauron certainly did the most damage. I feel you could have made an argument for either robot winning. Tauron look gutted, as you would be from losing such a close battle.
Concussion vs. Iron-Awe 6 – **1/4
Iron-Awe 6 have a promo about wanting to succeed to inspire their seven-month-old grandson to join the team. Concussion just dinks them for lethal damage almost immediately, before Iron-Awe can even see if their weapon works. Iron-Awe is flipped and cannot self-right. Dead Metal goes in for some shots and puts them on the grill, as Concussion takes one last dig. Very short.
Nuts 2 vs. Androne 4000 – ****1/2
Androne 4000 have pretty much every other team in the competition to try and repair the bot, with even Angela chipping in. Nuts 2 are in the bizarre position having fuck all to do, seeing as this is the first time they haven’t been completely annihilated in a bout. The plan is to wedge the cluster bots under Androne while the main bot gets up to speed. We are informed that the driver of Androne 4000 is a huge heavy metal fan and has currently taken up Jiu-Jitsu, so hopefully Phil Nurse and Royce Gracie have been showing Androne the ropes and changing some wires down in the pits.
This match was possibly the first instance of a robot blading in a match as Androne 4000 got nailed in the hydraulics, cut an artery and started GUSHING hydraulic fluid everywhere. It was distressingly violent as Androne squirted blood everywhere, covering itself, Nuts 2 and the floor in black goo. This match genuinely was about a 0.7 on the Muta scale and I’m pretty sure kids across the land have been banned from watching Robot Wars. The Eddie vs. JBL Bash match of Robot Wars.
Androne 4000 vs. Iron-Awe 6 – *3/4
Iron-Awe 6’s flipper still doesn’t work, while Androne has had 23 stitches and a digestive biscuit to get their sugars up. Both teams are fucked, no-one can use their weapon. They shove each other about a bit. Matilda gets rambunctious in the corner. Androne gets binned into the pit. Not much of a fight, to be honest. Iron-Awe 6 wins the third place play-off and advances to the mental ten-bit rumble, where hopefully we can maybe see them do a flip.
Nuts 2 vs. Concussion – ****
Before the match, we get another chance to see the shot of Nuts 2 galloping through a field with horses followed by a promo about how Nuts 2 used to be the joke but is now a serious contender, albeit still with a sense of humour. Concussion have put on some unfortunately-named “Nutbusters”. This would be their downfall as they become wedged once Concussion is flipped and despite some impressive breakdancing, it cannot self-right itself. Nuts swings wildly at it but Concussion cannot defend as the clown prince is through to the grand final.
Nuts 2 looks like a credible threat and my heart swells at the prospect of Nuts facing off against Carbide in the final and gaining revenge for their past mauling by knocking the reigning champions out. That is the fairytale ending I want to this season, but before that we have one more heat to get through. Before the credits, we get a sneak-peek at the next edition of Robot Wars which features, amongst others, Magnetar, Expulsion and one of mine and George’s favourite robots, THOR. Look out for George actually writing his review on time and not two weeks late like me. But until then, I will leave you with a poem.
“The hydraulic blood gushing from open wounds
The robot sweat oozing from metal pores
The tears of an exit that came too soon
The agony and ecstasy of Robot Wars.”