The Final Deletion
“Broken” Matt Hardy vs, Jeff “Brother Nero” Hardy
TNA Impact Wrestling
15th of July 2016
The Hardy Compound – Cameron, North Carolina, USA
The Match: Before the match, there is a lot of additional segments which are integral to the match. Matt Hardy’s groundskeeper, Senor Benjamin, reads an advisory warning advising viewers about tonight’s match featuring graphic violence and imploring us to not try this at home. We see Matt Hardy and his wife Reby holding a birthday party for King Maxell. Senor Benjamin gives Maxell a gift of a xylophone, Matt calls it DELIGHTFUL. Matt instructs Senor Benjamin to “prepare the battleground for massacre”. Cut to Jeff Hardy (Brother Nero) introspectively playing some acoustic guitar. Matt has sent a drone named Vanguard-1 to spy on Jeff. Vanguard-1 rings the doorbell then speaks to Jeff. Several small drones invade the house and Jeff Hardy goes batshit, swinging his guitar wildly at them.
A hologram of Matt delivers a message about tonight’s upcoming match. Vanguard-1 flies away and Jeff gives chase, getting on his dirtbike. As Jeff is pre-occupied, Matt gets on a seated lawnmower and starts destroying Jeff’s intrinsic crop circles. Senor Benjamin prepares the battlefield for massacre. Matt demands that Benjamin pour the gasoline “generously” across the battlefield, because it takes a lot of fuel to delete a Brother Nero. A referee arrives at the Hardy compound. Matt asks if he is a licensed official and says that he saw him in his premonition and makes him promise he will not resuscitate Brother Nero. Matt plays an off-key weird violin in the ring as Brother Nero arrives. “BROTHER NERO… I KNEW YOU’D COME!”
The b1ell tolls and Nero hammers at Matt with punches. Matt reverses a whip, but Nero blocks a bulldog and knocks Matt off the top. A second rope suplex and a splash gets a nearfall. Nero pulls out a partition used for allowing people to change clothes in privacy and throws Matt through it. Twist of fate gets two. Matt screams with rage and grabs a kendo stick, nailing Nero in the knees. Matt grabs a ladder and rams Nero several times with it while screaming “DELETE” over and over again, before jamming it in his threat. Matt bites Nero’s fingers and his ribs. Nero kicks Matt and hits him with a twist of fate. Nero takes off his shirt and hits a swanton bomb from the top rope. Nero sets up a ladder across the ropes and places Matt on the ladder, beating him down. Nero then climbs into a nearby tree and swanton bombs out of the tree onto Matt on the ladder for two. Matt bails from the ring and fires a Roman Candle, shooting fireworks at Nero as Nero shields himself with a trash can lid, screaming “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!” at his brother.
From a haze of smoke emerges a demented Matt, shovel in hand, ready to dig Brother Nero’s grave when… OH SHIT! Nero chases Matt with HIS OWN ROMAN CANDLE! Matt flees to “A DILAPIDATED BOAT!” (soon to be named Skarsgard), but Nero shoves it aside. Matt grabs a desperation sleeper and sends both of them splooshing into the lake. Matt Hardy crawls from the wreckage, only for Jeff Hardy’s alter-ego WILLOW TO EMERGE FROM THE LAKE AND CHOKES MATT WITH HIS UMBRELLA ROUND THE NECK! Senor Benjamin gets involved and tazers Willow, causing him to disappear into the lake. Matt drags Willow out of the lake and pins him 1-2-3! BUT WAIT! IT’S SENOR BENJAMIN UNDER THE MASK! Matt haas an emotional breakdown for his fallen comrade AS BROTHER NERO ATTACKS FROM BEHIND! Nero drags Matt by the neck into an open grave, choking him out. Nero climbs a giant monument in the shape of some Hardy art. Matt Hardy has a flashback to Matt lighting Maxell’s candle which is handed to him by Reby. Matt uses the candle to light the sign on fire as Jeff goes up in Flames, falling into the grave. Matt Hardy narrowly avoids burning himself to a crisp before hooking the leg. 1! 2! 3! BROTHER NERO HAS BEEN DELETED!
Why Does It Define 2016?: It’s the match everyone was talking about for weeks. It’s the match that has led to the most buzz TNA has received since Joe/Angle, Joe/Styles/Daniels or possibly ever. It’s the match where WWE performers were organising backstage viewing parties for the entire roster (including John Cena) to watch. It’s the match that made us forget that TNA was going through an internal power struggle and receiving almost daily lawsuits from creditors owed money. It’s the match that has spawned two sequels and a storyline which continues to this date, with an entire episode of Impact next week being shot on location at the Hardy Compound where the Hardys will battle tag teams such as THE ROCK AND ROLL EXPRESS! Do you need any more reasons?
My Thoughts: I have made no secret about the fact that my second favourite match of all time is the Grocery Store Deathmatch from BJW, which is a bizarre match where numerous wrestlers battle round a local shopping district, throwing fish, tills and various other paraphernalia at each other for twenty five minutes. It may not sound that great, but the way it’s shot, the use of background music and the absolute lunacy of the whole thing melds into a perfect storm which gives us the most entertaining spectacle you will ever witness. For many years, I have always believed there is a market for someone to bring the wacky Japan DDT/BJW style of surreal brawling to the US. This is the realisation of that theory. I was always fearful that whoever did do this sort of thing would do it with a tongue-in-cheek nature and play it too much for ironic laughs. This is not played for laughs. This is played entirely serious, but still retaining enough elements of humour to make you grin from ear-to-ear.
This is the essence of professional wrestling. As much as I love watching Dean Malenko and Volk Han tie people in knots, sometimes you just need some wackiness that puts a massive smile on his face. People may draw comparisons to the likes of Generico and Ibushi fighting in canoes or BJW destroying a house set from a TV show, but there is still so much innovation in here, it’s hard to document them all in one article. This sort of thing could have been a disaster and, given TNA’s past track record, I wouldn’t blame you if you thought it would be beforehand. This is ludicrous, this is hilarious, this is the most entertaining thing that has happened all year. This is The Room, the Sharknado, the Birdemic of Wrestling. A match so out there and bizarre you can’t help but fall for it’s alluring charms. It rewards repeat viewing as there is so many little things that you may miss on first glance. Frankly, if you don’t enjoy this, go take up knitting or cycling or something, because maybe professional wrestling is not the pastime for you.